culled from junkmail

I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be inferior.
What worries you masters you.
Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.
The only person worth envying is he person who doesn't envy.
Religions change; beer and wine remain.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others.
Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
Bore: a man who is never unintentionally rude.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed.
Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.
BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.
Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. senators.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people we personally dislike.
MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
I'm tough, ambitious and I know exactly what I want.
Do not speak of your happiness to one less fortunate than yourself.
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
God is love, but get it in writing.
To some lawyers all facts are created equal.
A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.
Those who trust to chance must abide by the results of chance.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-----
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The speed of the boss is the speed of the team.
Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.
When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.
Men are punished by their sins, not for them.
Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad.
Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
The secret of success is this: there is no secret of success.
God help those who do not help themselves.
Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.
SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
The time has come for all good men to rise above principle.
Popularity is the one insult I have never suffered.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
He who feels no compassion will become insane.
Never despair; but if you do, work on in despair.
Mistakes are the portals of discovery.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Mistakes are the portals of discovery.
If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.
The imbecility of men is always inviting the impudence of power.
Most religions do not make men better, only warier.
We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch.
To refrain from imitation is the best revenge.
VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Toil to make yourself remarkable by some talent or other.
The only atheism is the denial of truth.
There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people.
There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.
Architecture is the art of how to waste space.
LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
Mediocrity is not allowed to poets, either by the gods or man.
I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.
Martyrdom is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things.
Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.
Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
I will study and get ready, and perhaps my chance will come.
ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly.
Know the masculine, keep to the feminine.
Television has raised writing to a new low.
Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others.
Be gentle with the young.
Good company and good discourse are the very sinews of virtue.
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular.
My work is done, why wait?
Words can be like baseball bats when used maliciously.
In time we hate that which we often fear.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies.
The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
I can't read ten pages of Steinbeck without throwing up.